


Tabula Rasa

by supreme_genius



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Jealous!Steve, Steve Whump, Steve/Sam bromance, it's only a tiny bit Kate/Bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-09 05:35:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1970901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supreme_genius/pseuds/supreme_genius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Steve becomes a bit jealous that he isn't the one helping Buck recover.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tabula Rasa

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Marvel or it's characters.  
> I just own my awful ideas.  
> This is unbeta'd.
> 
> I have a headcanon that Bucky's memory isn't too good. He still forgets things and that's why he writes it down.

Steve sighs and plops down on the sofa. “I just don’t get it, Sam.”

Sam rolls his eyes at Steve’s overdramatic pouty face, but lets his expression soften before saying anything. “You gotta give it time, man. I know you want things to be the way they were before all this, but that may never happen. Even if he gets all his memories back; he’s different now. You and I both know what it’s like to come back from war. It changes you, Steve.”

“I know. Just...why her?” Steve groans.

“She seems like a nice person. Clint’s pretty fond of her, trusts her with his life. That’s worth something.”

“Nat doesn’t really like her.”

“I don’t know everyone real well yet, but I’d guess it has something to do with Clint.” Sam shrugs. “Obviously Bucky sees something in her that you don’t. She seems to make him happy and is helping him recover and adjust. I think you need to let it go for now, Steve. If you care about him as much as you say you do, you’ll let him cope in whatever way he needs to. Well, as long as it’s not destructive.”

“But why not me? I’ve known him forever. I can help him remember things. Right now I know him better than he knows himself.”

“Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe it’s too much for him. He might not like that you know everything, might feel like he’s disappointing you by not remembering. You guys have a lot of history and I think he _understands_ that even if he doesn’t _remember_ it. It’s gotta be scary knowing you lived an entire life but can’t remember any of it.” Sam pauses to reach out and squeeze Steve’s shoulder, trying to comfort his friend. “But with her, it’s a blank slate. He can start fresh. That’s probably a relief to him.”

* * *

“Tabula rasa,” Kate says as she sits down and hands a can of soda to Bucky.

“Tabula rasa?”

“Yep. It means ‘blank slate’ in Latin.”

“Oh,” he says before taking a sip. “Hmm…Sprite. I like this.”

Kate smiles. “Add it to the list.”

Bucky’s been keeping lists of things he likes and doesn’t like, mostly for food and drinks. He has a list of foods he wants to try. Everything is kept in a purple notebook that Kate gave him. _Sorry for the color, it’s all I got_ , Kate had said. But Bucky didn’t care; he was happy to have a possession of his own. There were also lists of movies and shows to watch and music to listen to. Kate had also suggested making notes of things that have happened that he learns about – Civil Rights Movement, Berlin Wall, the internet. Kate had even suggested they make a timeline from the forties until now and fill it in as Bucky learns things. It made Bucky happy to have support. It was a slow process so far, but he was managing.

“So tell me about this blank slate.” Bucky sets his can down on the side table and grabs his notebook to jot down the phrase.

“Well, the phrase came from the Roman wax tablet called a tabula. They’d write notes on it and then they’d heat the wax and smooth it over to write new notes. I think the more literal translation is ‘scraped tablet.’” Kate pauses to make sure Bucky is following. She’s noticed lately that she rambles and sometimes loses him. “As for psychology, it’s the theory that people are born as a blank slate, with no predisposition for being either good or bad. Some psychologists think that we’re all born good and learn bad behavior, some believe the opposite.” She stops when she sees Bucky’s face scrunched up. “Did I lose you?”

He shakes his head. “Just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Which one I agree with.”

“Oh. Not to sway you, but I agree with tabula rasa. I think we’re born as curious creatures. We aren’t purposely being good or bad. We’re just exploring. When we’re scolded, we learn what we did was bad. When we’re praised, we learn we did something good. Then we become driven by those experiences.”

Bucky nods. “I agree, I think. I guess I’m just trying to figure out how I fit in.”

“Well, you can look at this as a second chance or a rebirth. You’re a blank slate now. Before, when you were in this position, you had HYDRA telling you what to do, controlling you. Despite having your memory wiped and basically reprogrammed, you still had somewhat of a predisposition to do what they wanted you to. But now you’ve got a fresh start.”

It was just after Steve found Bucky and brought him back to the tower that he met Kate. She’d just come back from LA and started living in the tower as per Clint’s (and ultimately Tony’s) request. Kate and Bucky immediately clicked. Bucky liked that she was bold and brash and never walked on eggshells around him. That was what made him feel like he could be open and honest with her. He’s never felt as if he had to hide anything from her. Nothing he had done seemed to scare her. Plus, she didn’t know much about him so he never felt the pressure of trying to remember her from a past time. Early on in their friendship, they both agreed to be open about things. Kate told him all about having to go to LA, Madame Masque, everything. Little by little, as Bucky regained memories, he told Kate what he remembered. Of course the team had filled her in on a lot of it (well, Natasha had told Clint and Clint told Kate).

“So, now I’m the curious creature. I explore this new world and the things I experience are what drive me, what I learn from. Yeah?”

Kate nods. “Yeah.”

“Tabula rasa. I like it.”

“I kind of thought you would.”

“Really?”

She sighs, not sure if she should tell Bucky what she’s thinking, but then he gives her a look that says _open and honest, remember?_ and she speaks. “You seemed really sad at first. I knew about what happened, about Steve, and knew you guys knew each other back in the forties. So I thought you’d want to be around him because he’d be something familiar to you. But you never seemed to want to be alone with him. You kept your distance. I thought about it for a while. Then I read this in my psych book and it kind of hit me. I thought maybe knowing – but not remembering – that you have a history with him was pressuring you to fill in all the blanks. I thought maybe you didn’t want to remember or that you were scared.”

Bucky still keeps his distance from people, stays away from physical contact as much as he can. Sometimes he’ll spar with Steve or Thor – people he knows he won’t really hurt. He’ll let Tony work on his arm. Other than that, he generally avoids it. But right now there’s this feeling in his chest and he isn’t quite sure what it is. He thinks it’s a good feeling. It leads him towards Kate, helps to close the distance between them. He sits next to her, their shoulders almost touching. He holds out his metal hand, silently asking her to hold his hand. She laces her fingers in his – flesh intertwining in metal – and smiles.

“You were right. It’s kind of scary – Steve knowing more about me than I do. I want to remember so badly, but only for him, because I know he wants me to. He wants things to be like they used to.”

“But you don’t, do you?”

Bucky shrugs. “I don’t know what I want. On one hand, I think a lot of the memories of Steve and me before the war are probably real nice. The only things I remember are that he was a lot smaller and he drew a lot. I want the nice memories. But I know if I start to remember things, the bad memories will surface too. I don’t want to know all the things I’ve done.” He squeezes her hand but manages to be careful enough not to hurt her. “I’m afraid it will make me _him_ again.” Bucky won’t ever say it – _the Winter Soldier_. “That’s not who I want to be.”

Kate rubs her thumb over Bucky’s, looking down at their hands fondly. She can hear Clint’s voice in her head; _aww, Katie-Kate, no. He’s like a billion years old. He’s an ex-Soviet assassin with a metal arm. And you’re…you’re like nine._ “Well then, I guess we’ll just have to fill your head with new memories. How’s that sound?”

Bucky smiles, really and truly, and it makes Kate’s heart melt. Bucky often wears a scowl or a stern expression, which makes the rare moments in which he laughs or smiles, eyes getting crinkly, even more precious.

“That sounds good.”

Kate knows she might be crossing the line and she’s ready for whatever backlash may come. But this is something she has to do, feels it with every fiber of her being. She doesn’t want to push Bucky into anything he doesn’t want, but she has a feeling – albeit a small one – that he wants it too. It’s been almost six months since they’d first struck up a friendship and it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that Kate started feeling like _this_.

“Good because I think I know what memory we could start with.” Kate leans forward and presses a kiss to the corner of Bucky’s mouth. When he doesn’t move away or even flinch, Kate thinks it to be a good sign. Thankfully, she’s right.

He smiles as his cheeks redden. “I think that’s one I’d certainly like to remember.”


End file.
